God: I'm watching you. Don't do that!

(no subject)

Long time, no update!  Summer is finally here, and we just got back from taking Jesus to the lake to go swimming. You know, he's been on good behavior lately, I think I'll let him off punishment.  What do you people think?
Oh bloody Hell, I'm God... Why do I care what YOU think?

I haven't answered any prayers since last year, and Jesus is in the midst of setting up a Facebook so you blokes can reach us there instead of getting on your knees.  That's so BC era.  On that note, I am going to retire and let my Son take over the business.  I need a nice, long vacation.

I'm getting too old, and my body can barely handle all the stress anymore.
Perhaps I'm a bit cynical these days, and I get a kick out of causing lots of traffic jams for the wankers rushing to work in the morning, using my name in vain... Hee hee hee!! 

Well, time to go finish packing and take a nice hot bath... I finally found time to try out this new soap-on-a-roap that I bought at the Dollar Store.  Then, off to the Caribbean I go!

Now, if I could find the charger to my iPod and my damn Coppertone suntan lotion...
  • Current Music
    The Beach Boys
Jesus: I did it for the Chicks.

What Bullocks!!

Hey Dad, crucify me next time why don't ya? This blows, I could be out trying to pick up chicks if it weren't for my stupid father.  Hmmm, I'm going to make this entry "private" so my dad cannot read this.

Well, I gotta go file my nails in case he actually sees this.
  • Current Mood
    angry angry
God: I'm watching you. Don't do that!



In the interest of keeping up with the times, I will no longer be answering your verbal prayers, and I encourage you to submit your prayers to me via Livejournal.  We live in an age where technology dominates everything around us, so e-prayers work better for me than the other method.

If you have a problem with this, then go to Hell and see if Satan answers your prayers!!
  • Current Music
    Joan Osbourne - What is God was one of us?
God: I'm watching you. Don't do that!


Hello, Earth!

Remember that PSE&G customer service rep that I was whinging about back in August?  The Atheist?  Well, because of him, we were without electricity for a good month, and that's never a good thing.  We didn't get to answer many prayers that month, no thanks to him.  

Well, I got a really strange prayer request from this familiar voice one night, something about wanting some wild sex with his mistress, and something about "getting a stiffy".  I tilted my head, looked down below, and well what do you know, IT WAS HIM!  Well, as I always say, "Ask and ye shall receive!"  He asked, and he certainly did receive.  I struck him dead as his wife walked in the bedroom, so you can imagine the look on her face.   Bwahahaha, I rule!  Literally...  NEXT!

You know what else I don't get?  it's those hippie Pagan yanks that actually fancy themselves into believing we stole their religion from them.  WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?!  I know I created the Dinosaurs millions of years before I was even a household name, more importantly before I was even thought of, but to accuse us of stealing your traditions is going a bit far, don't you think?  Ok, so we DID steal your bloody YULE tree.  Ha, "Yule"... Well, how about "Yule" find out whos' been in charge longer when you die, and "yule" be smited down to Hell with Satan!

I'm in a lovely mood tonight, so DON'T bother me with your shenanigans!

PS - That hooligan's standing in line to get into Heaven.  Hahaha, like he'll ever get in.  Maybe I should go walk over to him and show him my PSE&G bill to show him I wasn't joking, just to watch him shit a brick or two.
  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical
God: I'm watching you. Don't do that!

It's me, again.

Hello, Humans.

To save you lazy people the trouble of getting on your hands and knees to pray to us, we figured we might as well get with the times and have you all interact with us online instead : HeyItsMeGOD LOLZ and YoItsJesus ROFL.

The wifey is out getting her nails done, so it's just me and Jesus for the night.  If I hear him play that "Hell Awaits" nonsense one more time, I swear I oughta ...
  • Current Mood
    bitchy bitchy
Jesus: No this is not an accordion.

(no subject)

Today was a good day! 

Today, Mother took me to the Virgin Mobile to get me a phone for when I go back to school!  Yeah, yeah... I'm 2,000+ years old, you're thinking.  Bloody hell, man, I am 17 years-old for the rest of my life!  So, screw you nay-saying tarts up your big fat arses!

I also bought an Iron Maiden poster, a Black Sabbath clock and a Jimi Hendrix poster with a black light... You know, it gets pretty boring, having to sit there in a plain room, when I am working late at night.

See, when my father (God, for you not-so-enlightened blokes) goes to bed at night, he wants to have his wine and bread and go to sleep.  He's too busy fantasising about Jenna Jameson to answer your prayers, you bloody ingrates!  Ok, I'll stop before I get really furious.  Anyway, I work the graveyard shift for answering your redundant cries of woe and strife! 

You people only want to believe in me when things don't go your way.  Who gets blamed when you lose your job, or when your spouse dies?  Me.  Who do you ask to help you with those things?  Me.  WILL YOU BLOKES MAKE UP YOUR MINDS?! 

Uh oh... I think I just inflicted Dad's wrath.  It looks like he's holding the phone bill in his hand... *hides*
  • Current Music
    Nirvana - Teen Spirit
God: I'm watching you. Don't do that!

The resurrection, so to speak.

Ugh, I'll tell ya.  Four BLOODY YEARS since I've had a moment's peace.  First, our basement gets flooded... Then Verizon screws up with installing our Fi-Os, and most importantly, our electricity's about to get shut off!  I've been on the phone with PSE&G almost everyday, and still... nothing!  The customer service tech must be some sort of an Atheist, because the bloke laughed in my ear when I told him who I was.  That's ok, though.  I have something else in store for him in the near future... Muahahahaha!!!

Jesus, if you see this, I want you to STOP hanging out with your friends: Allah and Satan.  They are my arch enemies, don't you remember that?!  Yeesh... You'd think with being under my wing that you'd have some common sense.  Well, you do what you want. 

Argh, I must go to the bathroom now, these burritos from Taco bell are doing me in... Good God!  Next time, I think I'll pass on the hot sauce and chalupas.

By the way, this could be just my old age and all... can someone tell me what this "I do it for the lulz" hooey-nonsense is all about?
  • Current Mood
    drunk drunk
God: I'm watching you. Don't do that!

A quick update from God

Sorry for not updating this journal, but we have been very busy here up in Heaven! We have been very busy watching all of you damn barnacles make fools out of yourselves, and couldn't be arsed with this petty online rubbish.

I've been feeling rather sickly lately. The doctor says that it must be the old age and lack of sleep for all these years. I will keep you chaps updated on this.

I must step down from my throne, and go spend some time on the "other" throne.

Until next time..
  • Current Mood
    irritated irritated
Jesus: No this is not an accordion.

Quit yer bloody whinin'

So, here I sit - grounded. FOR TWO WHOLE BLOODY WEEKS! I can't go out and socialize with the angels, I can't play my harp, no playing my Iron Maiden record collection.. What a mess I am right now! Anyway, I digress. People down on Earth have it far worse than me, right?

Well, I hate to tell you. I have it worse than they do right now. But, I don't want to complain about being grounded too much, because it will be over soon.

What I don't bloody get is this whole "Christmas" thing. It's my birthday! Why are all these blokes down on Earth celebrating my birthday, when I'm not getting anything out of it? At least for their birthdays, they get gifts, people take them out to get sloshed, get birthday cakes baked for them. What do I get? Nothing, except the occasional prayer from somebody, asking me for a favor. You know, I'm sick of all this crap!

Did I mention that these blokes exchange gifts with EACH OTHER - ON MY BIRTHDAY? WHAT ABOUT ME? WHERE ARE MY BLOODY GIFTS?

Oh, silly me! I forgot. I got a loaf of bread 125 years ago from my Mother. Doesn't she know I make bread? Bloody tart! My father also gave me a fish 32 years ago, as well.

I finally get it now. So is THAT where those blokes down on Earth got those silly ideas to put my name inside of a fish? Well, it's funny! So funny, I tell ya, that I forgot to laugh! These must be the same people who came up with "WWJD?" Well I'll tell you what I would do! I will kick your bloody arse from here to Ireland!

Let it be said that I am not always this bloody cranky. I just hate being under my father's thumb like this with no privileges! You would too, if you were in my sandals.

Farewell for now, my good blokes. I must go and file my nails, and go get some sleep!
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky
God: I'm watching you. Don't do that!

Me, this is getting annoying.


Have you ever tried to be ruler of the universe? Have you ever tried it just ONCE? Well, damn it all, you should! You'd see how hard it is to keep the water bills paid and the electricity taken care of! Then you'd quit complaining that I can't feed every single one of you damn barnacles! You eat my animals, plow down my fields, rape my jungles, pollute my ozone, and try your damndest to ruin my world! You should be at least HALF appreciative that I even let you borrow it! Yes, I said borrow! You think I just up and gave it to you? You think I'm some big nincompoop in the sky? Some half-witted Nelly with his big God-thumb up his arse just sitting there on his throne waiting to get reamed by the next big Hollywood sack of man-meat?

You're sadly mistaken. I hardly get any sleep. My blood pressure is sky high... no pun intended. Wouldn't yours be, though? Wars and famine, violence and disease, birth and death, life, life, life! I'm sick of you freeloaders! I wish you'd just go find some other universe to live in. Too bad I didn't think to create myself a ruler.

You know, I should look into that... but if it wasn't for you people I wouldn't have bubble-wrap and lemon-lime skittles, so I guess you're not all too bad.

I'm going to go take a nice hot bath. Goodnight.
  • Current Music
    Bette Midler - From A Distance